Oops, or When Rodney Turns Into A Five Year Old
by Gillian Middleton
Summary: Rodney is turned into a five year old.
1. Chapter 1

**Oops**

by Gillian In Oz

"It doesn't make sense," McKay muttered, fingers running over tiny embedded crystals. "The only explanation is that it generated some sort of time-regression field, which enveloped my body and a small section around me. It must have tapped into sub-space for that much energy, which..."

He rambled on for a few moments more, enjoying the fact that for a change no one (Sheppard) was cutting short his fascinating explanation. After a few minutes though the quality of the silence changed and he glanced up, blowing a blonde curl off his forehead.

Sheppard still had one hand over his mouth, he looked like a third of a Wise monkey tableau. Radek was pressed up against the wall as if Rodney's condition was infectious. Teyla was looking fatuously at his blonde hair and Ronon had found his stash of power bars and was bogarting the peanut butter ones, wide eyes fixed on him in fascination as his huge jaw slowly worked.

"What?" Rodney said irritably.

"Shouldn't you be in the infirmary or something?" Ronon mumbled around his mouthful.

Sheppard's head bobbed fervently. Teyla reached out and tweaked a blonde curl.

Radek whimpered.

"Oh, please," Rodney said scornfully, shrugging off Teyla. Typical that the hottest woman in the Pegasus Galaxy waited until he had the body of a five year old before getting all touchy-feely. "As if I would trust that quack Carson to come up with an answer for this one." Rodney glared at Radek, who met his gaze in terror and attempted to dig himself further into the wall with his shoulder blades. Rodney sighed long-sufferingly. "Obviously I'll have to fix this myself. _As usual_."

"Now now, what's all this then?" Carson arrived at a run, skidding around the corner and screeching to a halt. "Crap," he muttered as he caught sight of Rodney and Rodney stared back with as much dignity as a man could when he was five years old with blonde curls and only an over sized t-shirt to cover his shame.

Behind the doctor his team also arrived at a run, crashing into his back and falling over like skittles. Medical bags and personnel tumbled around the room and Rodney rolled his eyes and turned back to his work.

"I'm surrounded by morons," he muttered.

"He turned into a kid!" Sheppard blurted out as if this had happened a moment ago instead of the longest ten minutes of Rodney's (short) life.

"He was naked," Ronon supplied helpfully, starting on the chocolate power bars. Oddly enough Rodney found he didn't care. Power bars didn't seem appealing right now anyway.

"PB & J," he said, straightening. "Someone get me a sandwich, obviously I'm going to need all my strength to figure this out."

"I'll get it," Radek volunteered swiftly, hope appearing briefly on his haunted face.

"Not you," Rodney ordered and watched in satisfaction as the hope died. "Teyla," he continued. "Get me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And milk," he called after her as she nodded and rushed away. "And cookies!"

"He turned into a kid!" Sheppard said again.

"Yes, yes, Colonel," Carson said kindly, guiding him to a chair. "Perhaps you'd better sit down."

"Typical," Rodney muttered, poking viciously at the innards of the Ancient gizmo. "I get mugged by an Ancient device, _again_, and Sheppard gets the sympathy, that's just - Ow!" With a zap something discharged, singeing his fingers. "Owie!" Tears filled his eyes and spilled down his cheeks as he sucked his injured digit. "Wah!" he said, jumping off his box and rushing to Sheppard, climbing onto his lap.

"Ack!" Sheppard yelped.

"Owie!" Rodney sobbed.

A tentative hand patted his back. "There there?" Sheppard said in strangled tones and Rodney's tears dried up as he snuggled against a broad chest. Sheppard smelled good. Like sunshine and aftershave and...

"Daddy," Rodney yawned, closing his eyes contentedly. Maybe a nap before lunch...


	2. Chapter 2

**Ow!**

by Gillian In Oz

sequel to Oops.

Somewhere between the obligatory green flash of light and Rodney's scream Sheppard's brain shut down. He could sort of feel his knees throbbing from dropping to the ground, and there was a vague impression of blonde curls and cherubic cheeks and an imperious voice that seemed higher and sweeter than usual.

Stuff happened.

By the time Carson arrived and swore richly Sheppard's brain had caught up with his mouth.

"He turned into a kid!" he blurted out.

"No shit," Ronon mumbled.

"So cute," Teyla breathed reverently.

Radek whimpered.

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Sheppard had seen a lot in the Pegasus Galaxy. Planets with three moons. Two headed fish. One eyed monkeys. Oh, and aliens that sucked the life out of you with their hands. But there was just something about your best and most annoying friend crawling into your lap that diminished all those weird experiences. Put things into perspective, so to speak. How could this get any weirder?

"Daddy," Rodney muttered and Sheppard felt his vision actually white-out for a second. Dimly he wondered if he was having a stroke.

"That's kind of disturbing," Ronon observed.

Rodney nestled under his chin, fragrant golden curls tickling Sheppard's skin. A little hand clutched the material of his t-shirt. Fragile. Small. Sheppard patted his back again, more to soothe himself than Rodney, who had dropped off to sleep and was snoring gently.

"Help?" Sheppard said, not wanting to whimper like Radek, but pretty sure he was going to start if somebody didn't do something RIGHT NOW.

"Uh, he looks pretty comfortable there," Carson, Scottish doctor and complete coward observed. "Colonel, perhaps you can carry him to the infirmary?"

Teyla rushed into the room with a tray of hastily made sandwiches, a brimming glass of milk and a plate of choc-chip cookies. She spotted Rodney in John's arms and her face fell.

"Oh," she said sadly.

Sheppard figured he should just hand Rodney over to her, since she seemed to want to cuddle him so much. But the kid was sleeping pretty peacefully in his arms, it would be a shame to disturb him. Beside if Rodney woke up he would start giving orders again, and there was just something about McKay's words coming out of that innocent little mouth that freaked the living shit out of him.

Ronon reached for a cookie and Teyla kicked him in the leg.

"Colonel," Carson reminded him, and John stood up, easily supporting Rodney's tiny body on his arm. His head lolled on John's shoulder, and the man shifted him closer and patted that narrow back again. Did Rodney's hair always smell this good?

Sheppard carried Rodney to the infirmary, trailed by Carson, some bruised nurses, Teyla bearing her tray and a reproachfully limping Ronon.

Radek had vanished. Another coward, Sheppard mused. Rodney shifted and sighed in his arms and John slipped a comforting hand under his t-shirt and rubbed his back soothingly. Man, who would have believed that Rodney was ever so skinny? Tiny little vertebrae like a string of pearls under his fingers.

By the time they reached the infirmary word had got around and scientists and marines lined the halls, eyes wide, mouths open. John felt a flair of pride. If you could reduce the inhabitants of Atlantis to wide-eyed speechlessness, you knew you had really fucked some serious shit up.

He laid Rodney down on a bed, curiously reluctant now to let the kid go. He was just so _little_, and it was Sheppard he had run to when he burnt his hand. And he was still a member of John's team, even if he was several feet shorter and had drooled onto John's shirt.

Come to think of it he pretty much always drooled when he slept, so forget that one.

Teyla had put her tray down and was trying to muscle him aside, and then Elizabeth arrived and Ronon started explained what had happened, rolling up his pants leg and showing her the newly-formed bruise on his shin.

"Carson?" she said, and yeah, her eyes were wide and she looked pretty speechless, yada yada yada. John feinted to the left and totally got the drop on Teyla, ignoring her sulking expression as he patted Rodney's curls comfortingly.

Okay, maybe he did give her the tiniest gloating smirk when Rodney sighed in his sleep and caught at his hand, cuddling it to his little chest.

That totally did not excuse her kicking him in the leg though.


	3. Chapter 3

**Uh Oh**

by Gillian In Oz

sequel to Oops. & Ow!

Ronon watched through narrowed eyes as Teyla and Sheppard indulged in a slap-fight over McKay's bed. The kid slept on regardless, a tiny bubble of snot under one nostril.

"I have no idea how to reverse it," Carson was saying helplessly. "Where's Zelenka?"

Elizabeth tapped her comm-link and turned back to face them.. "They found him," she reported. "In bed in his quarters. Uh, whimpering."

"It appears Rodney wasn't the only one effected by whatever changed him," Carson said sagely. "Everyone who was present seems to be acting strangely."

"I'm not effected," Ronon said.

"Radek is usually quite calm and collected," Elizabeth agreed, looking worried. "It's not like him to panic like this."

"And the Colonel and Teyla seem unusually, ah, protective," Carson added. Sheppard and Teyla now had one of the sleeping Rodney's hands each and were glaring at each other fiercely.

"I'm not effected," Ronon repeated.

Elizabeth moved to the end of the bed and gazed down at the child intently. "It's almost understandable though," she murmured. "He is very..."

"Oh, how cute!" Someone exclaimed in the doorway and they turned to see Kate Heightmeyer bearing down on them, a wide smile on her face. With the element of surprise she elbowed Teyla out of the way and neatly tripped Sheppard up as he protested. "Look at his rosy little cheeks!" she gushed, fondling golden curls gently.

Teyla actually growled.

Ronon stepped forward and pressed on Teyla's shoulder as she lifted her leg to deliver a killer kick. "I'm not effected!" he shouted, and the occupants of the infirmary all turned on him reproachfully.

"Shh!" they all said, even Sheppard who was still on the floor rubbing his skinny behind.

Ronon rolled his eyes. "You are all infected with something," he growled, losing patience with the lot of them. "It's like that Lucius Loser guy all over again. Can't you see that?"

"Ronon," Carson said patiently, rolling his R's in that exaggerated, annoying way he had. "Calm down, lad, you don't want to disturb wee Rodney now, do you?"

Wee Rodney was already disturbed, rubbing at his eyes and yawning widely.

"Aww," Elizabeth gushed and she and Heightmeyer exchanged fatuous grins.

"I brought your sandwich, Rodney," Teyla said, pulling free of Ronon's grasp and cunningly edging to the other side of the bed. "And cookies."

Rodney turned wide blue eyes on her and she melted, shoulders slumping, a trembling smile on her lips. "And milk," she whispered.

"Fank you," Rodney said, pushing himself upright on the bed. Sheppard rushed to prop him up against the pillow and pulled the covers over him tenderly.

"Oh, forget this," Ronon muttered, and left the room as Carson pulled out a huge polka-dotted handkerchief and tucked it under the kid's chin.

He met the medical team on the way up, they had one hand each wrapped around Radek's arms and they were pulling him towards the infirmary. "No, no," Radek was mumbling. Ronon shoved them both aside. One of them pushed back.

"Hey!" he said.

Ronon lowered his brows and stared at him.

"He's all yours," the guy squeaked and he and his companion scuttled away.

"Ronon, thank you," Zelenka said, collapsing against his chest. "Don't make me go in there. Don't make me go near him."

"I won't," Ronon promised. "I just want to know, why are we the only ones who aren't crazy?" He studied the scientist's, pale, blotchy face and wild eyes for a second. "At least, why are you different-crazy from them?"

"Didn't you feel it?" Radek wibbled. "The horror. The irresistible urge..."

"To what?" Ronon yelled.

"To cuddle!" Radek yelled back, then stared horror-struck for a moment before collapsing onto his knees.

"Uh, no, not so much," Ronon said blankly, staring down at the weeping man clutching his shins. The Satedan thought about it for a moment. "Right," he finally said decisively, grabbing the scientist by the shoulder and hauling him to his feet. "We're going back to the lab and you're going to fix this."

888

"It actually makes sense," Radek said, seeming less bug-shit crazy the further from the infirmary he got. "To turn into a child - what use that as a weapon? But to turn into this thing and be... adored..." He shuddered. "So very very adorable," he crooned, eyes glazing over.

Ronon obligingly hit him on the side of the head.

"Ow," Radek said. "And thank you."

"Anytime. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that this could be used as a weapon. To turn someone into something that appears so harmless, and yet has so much power. And then to unleash it on an unsuspecting people..." Radek shuddered again.

"They were all fawning over him, that's for sure," Ronon said. "Can you fix him?"

"I can reverse device, no problem," Radek said confidently. "But... should I? To deprive the world of such a sweet little child, so obviously gifted by the gods themselves..."

"Yes, fine, whatever," Ronon muttered, rapping his knuckles sharply on the table to get the guy's attention. "Just show me how to do it, okay? Before they start building an altar and worshipping him or something."

"Oh, no," Radek protested. "Worshipping would not be good for a child. He needs love and comfort and lots and lots of cuddles..." His mouth turned down and he slumped. "It's too late for me, isn't it?" he moaned. "Save yourself."

"That's what I'm trying to do," Ronon muttered. "Just show me what to press."

"I can do that," Radek said bravely, squaring his shoulders. "But I fear it will not be so easy to get to him and change him back. I am fighting this as hard as I can and my every instinct is to leap on you and wrestle you to the ground before I let you change one curl on his golden head."

Ronon surveyed the skinny scientist who gazed up at him, slowly lifting his hand and gently pushing the guy's glasses back up his nose.

"I'm fighting instinct," Radek said weakly.

"Lucky for me," Ronon observed. "Now. Show me what to do. It's Ronon's turn to save Atlantis."

TBC!


	4. Chapter 4

**Over.**

by Gillian In Oz

sequel to Oops, Ow! & Uh Oh.

Rodney's suspicions were first aroused after he ate his sandwich. He happened to make a comment about the jelly being a bit stingy.

Teyla started to cry.

This seemed A Bit Suspicious to him, and he made a note of it on his datapad. Which was when his suspicions were again aroused, because as his (little) fingers struggled to type on the touchpad screen, Elizabeth went 'awwww' and squeezed Kate Heightmeyer's hand gleefully.

Rodney made another note.

"Sheppard?" he hissed, and the Colonel rushed to his side.

"Yes, Rodney?" Sheppard said.

"What's going on wif everybody?"

"Are they bothering you?" Sheppard asked urgently. "Listen up everybody," he hollered. "You're bothering Rodney! Everyone who isn't me or Carson needs to clear out!" He then proceeded to flap his arms and chase the protesting Atlanteans out as if they were chickens.

Rodney made another note.

"But I want to stay!" Teyla was insisting loudly. "He might need a motherly figure close by."

"One who can get a simple thing like jelly on a sandwich right you mean?" Sheppard said, and Teyla burst into tears and ran from the room.

"People are very sensitive today," Carson said, untucking Rodney's napkin (polka-dotted handkerchief) and patting at Rodney's chin. "You know, Rodney, I'm beginning to think the effect of your transformation might be more widespread than I first suspected."

"Just as well you're not effected, eh, Carson?" Rodney said, and obediently blew his nose into the hanky when it was proffered.

"Jolly well right," Carson agreed. "Now, how about those delicious biscuits?"

"Aren't we going to start figuring out how to turn me back?" Rodney demanded. Carson laid the plate of cookies on his lap and his attention was caught. "Oh, choc-chip! My favorite!"

Carson beamed as if he had baked them himself.

"How is he, doc?" Sheppard asked, coming back to Rodney's bedside and patting his blanket covered leg.

"I'm fine, fanks," Rodney said, and frowned. He hadn't had trouble with his dipthongs for years. This was getting serious. "Listen, Sheppard, what progress has Radek made wif da device?"

The Colonel was playing with Rodney's toes through the blanket which was 1. distracting, and 2. tickling.

"Stop it," Rodney squealed, wriggling and upsetting his cookies.

"Colonel, if you continue to disturb the lad I'll be forced to throw you out too," Carson said sternly.

Sheppard's eyes narrowed and his hand dropped to his gun. "I wouldn't try it, Carson," he warned.

Rodney stopped giggling and smoothed his curls back impatiently. This was all getting too serious. He might be trapped inside a child's body but he was still a genius, and it was becoming more and more obvious that if he wanted to change back he was going to have to do it himself.

Besides, he still hadn't had any cookies.

"Carson," he said. "After my last bad sandwich experience I need someone I can trust to make me anoder one. Can you do it, man?"

Carson's chest puffed with pride. "Aye, lad!"

"Fine, more jelly dis time, and on white bread, not wholemeal. Oh, and get more cookies, for later."

Sheppard's face had fallen and he was looking upset. "What about me?" he said as Carson rushed away.

Rodney kicked back the covers and held his arms out imperiously. "I have a different job for you. Now, upsy!"

888

Sheppard seemed to enjoy his task of sneaking Rodney back to his lab without being seen. It helped that he was military commander and ordered all his marines to the south wing, and informed the civilians that they needed to stay where they were and not venture out into the corridor.

"Tell dem dere's a monster," Rodney suggested, arms linked around Sheppard's neck. Honestly, this was much more comfortable than it looked, and the Colonel was nice and warm. "You smell good," Rodney observed, laying his head on one shoulder and snuggling into a bristly chin.

"So do you," Sheppard observed, rubbing his face in soft curls for a moment. Then he was distracted by a squawk in his ear. "Yes, you heard right, a monster!" he yelled.

"A furry one," Rodney expanded, making a face and claws with his hands. "Wif teef like dis. Grr."

"With claws and teeth," the Colonel confirmed. "Now stop bothering me, out!"

Rodney yawned and snuggled down again. "Where are we going?" he asked sleepily.

Sheppard stopped. "You said your lab, right?"

"Oh, yeah," Rodney recalled. "Hey, where's Radek anyway?"

"No idea. The cowardly Czech couldn't seem to keep up. He ran away."

Rodney frowned, processing this. He couldn't help be a little hurt by that. Here everybody else was fussing around him and his co-worker and sort of almost friend had run off and left him.

"He's a poo poo head," Rodney decided. "You can be my friend now."

888

As it turned out Radek was lurking in the lab, but when he saw them he screamed and turned to run. Sadly he missed the door and knocked himself out on the frame.

"Dumb poo poo head," Rodney said contemptuously. "Put me on da bench."

Sheppard sat him on the bench and straightened his t-shirt for him while Rodney examined the device.

"Huh, it's already set to reverse da effects," he noted, casting a glance at the unconscious scientist on the floor. "Maybe he can still be my friend," he allowed, rather graciously he thought.

"Rodney?" Sheppard said uncertainly. "Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, you don't have to, you know? I'll take care of you, and Teyla will help out a very small bit." The Colonel patted his shoulder awkwardly.

Rodney gazed up at him thoughtfully. It was kind of tempting, in a way. People seemed to really like him like this, and probably Sheppard would carry him a lot, and there were those cookies to consider. And it would be fun to play for a while and not have to worry about stuff all the time.

On the other hand he was already starting to forget things, even his memory seemed to be slipping away. There was no point being everybody's friend, if you weren't smarter than them.

"I'd better do it," he decided, but it was a bit worrying, so he held his arms up first. "Hug," he demanded, and Sheppard wrapped his arms around him and hugged him gently. Then before he could change his mind Rodney pulled back and activated the device.

888

Probably he should have put his pants on first.

888

Back in the infirmary some people looked embarrassed and Radek groaned and held an ice pack to his head.

"No long term effects that I can detect," Carson said, cheeks flushed unbecomingly red. His polka-dot handkerchief was nowhere to be seen, neither, Rodney noted sadly, were the choc-chip cookies.

"Thank goodness you kept your head, Rodney," Elizabeth exclaimed.

"What do you remember?" Rodney asked curiously, and Elizabeth and Kate and Teyla and Sheppard exchanged discomfited glances and quickly looked away.

"It's all a bit of a blank," Teyla said with a desperate smile.

"Yeah, I can barely remember a thing," Sheppard insisted, rubbing the back of his neck. There was a damp spot on his shoulder.

"But the effects are quite gone," Elizabeth chimed in.

Ronon rushed into the infirmary brandishing his stunner, then skidded to a stop and knocked over a tray of instruments when he saw Rodney propped up in bed.

"You're big again," he said blankly.

"Well spotted," Rodney said.

Ronon looked crestfallen. "But I wanted to save the day."

Sheppard patted him on the shoulder. "Next time, buddy, okay?"

Ronon's shoulders slumped. "Okay," he said disconsolately.

"Now now," Carson said briskly. "My patients have had enough excitement for one day. Let's leave them to rest, shall we?"

Everyone looked really glad to leave and Rodney tried not to take it personally. After all, he had a few embarrassing memories of the day himself, not the least of which was calling Sheppard 'daddy' and nuzzling his neck.

888

Later Sheppard snuck back in with cookies, and they joked and slapped each other's shoulders and did that manly thing where they agree (without ever saying a word) never to mention the hugs and the nuzzling again.

"I'd better go," Sheppard said.

"Thanks for stopping by."

"No problem. Oh, you have a..." he pointed to the side of his own mouth, then pulled a tissue out of his pocket. Rodney presented his cheek and sat still while Sheppard scrubbed at the chocolate smear. Then the Colonel stuffed the tissue back in his pocket, kissed Rodney on the forehead and tip-toed back out of the infirmary.

Yeah, Rodney thought, snuggling down. It was good to be back to normal.

The End! (Really)


End file.
